But I just don’t see it.Īnd the more I think about the best of times that we had, or what our future would look like, it is clearer and clearer that it is not the same. Maybe I’m bitter and it is a fresh wound. If I have to jump through hoops to get you to give him a helping of love – is that love? Or is that a game?
I mean you either love someone or you don’t. But I am not clammoring to try to get him to feel it again. I am definitely sad and devastated that he said that and feels that, more so probably that he said he has felt that way for 3 years and led me to believe he still loved me. What I don’t seem to feel and am ashamed for not feeling it.
We have been married for 11 years and together for 14! To the oxygen being sucked out of the room with the words “I don’t love you.” And you haven’t respected me, you have bullied me. His hurtful words are opportunity knocking, telling you there’s a chance to grow and be happier. You may think it’s up to him, that you don’t have the power, and it’s true you can’t control what he’s going to do.īut you have more power than you think, because when you restore the respect, his feelings of love re-emerge too, as strong as ever.Ĭrisis and opportunity travel together. If anything, I see marriages turn around from this painful conversation so often that I tend to think of it as the beginning of the breakthrough. It’s not too late when he says he doesn’t love you. It just takes a little while to get the hang of what it looks like, and then it also takes a little while for him to get the memo that he’s safe with you-that he can get oxygen when he’s with you. I see that happen for the women I work with, too. At least, it did for me.īut it was like a miracle cure for all that was ailing in my marriage. When you do treat him respectfully, it’s going to feel very strange if you’ve been out of the habit. Just as you want to be loved even if you overspend or gain weight-because you are still lovable, of course–you could decide to treat your husband respectfully even if he doesn’t seem to deserve it.
I used to think of respect as something that was earned, and after seeing my husband screw up a number of times, I just didn’t see how I could be respectful!īut if you flip that around and think about your husband withdrawing his love because you weren’t perfect, it sounds pretty unreasonable and harsh. Here’s what you need to know to solve it… 3. It’s going to take your best efforts to solve it, but it is solvable. Instead of hearing there’s something wrong with you, or something wrong with him, consider just hearing that there’s an urgent situation that needs to be addressed. He’s telling you there’s a big breakdown. He’s sounding the alarm that something is very wrong. People need love the most when they deserve it the least. He’s just hurting and trying to get what he needs-not trying to get you to suffer. Granted, a conversation about love between a husband and wife is much more personal.īut in some ways it’s no different. He didn’t plot to get up in the morning and be at that spot where you were so he could make you slam on the breaks. He just forgot to check his blind spot or was about to miss the exit.
You might think the driver is also a mean jerk.īut that driver isn’t trying to hurt you at all. It feels awful.īut consider that if someone cuts you off in traffic, that’s also upsetting. It’s human nature to personalize it and make it about you. When your husband says something as hurtful as, “I don’t love you,” it’s tempting to think that he’s purposely being a mean jerk. No one ever showed you what respect looks like before, so how were you supposed to know?īut that ends today, right now. You didn’t know he had a terrible sunburn.īut you’ll want to stop slapping him on the back as soon as you can and instead learn what respect looks like to him and treat him that way. You’ve probably already tried both of those responses. Here you are, crying some more, driving that point home. If you beg and cry, that’s a reminder of a huge pain point: he hasn’t felt like he could make you happy. That’s like slapping his back when he’s badly sunburned. The problem is, if you try to reason with him or point out that he’s not being rational, he will feel further disrespected. But it can definitely be obscured when he has been without oxygen for a long time. When he committed to you for life above all others, it was because he was crazy about you, and that doesn’t just stop. I know he’s saying he doesn’t love you, but it’s not true.
What He’s Really Saying is, “I Don’t Feel Respected.